Yesterday, I watched a film called Hesher. It starred Joseph Gordon-Levitt. And, Natalie Portman. She's not important. Oh, it did have Rainn Wilson, the dude from Super and The Office. See Super though. It's like Kick-Ass, but more dramatic and gorier. And it has Rainn Wilson, an actor miles better than Nic Cage. He may play an idiot on The Office, but the man is a classy actor.
Anyhow. Hesher. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays a long-haired, greasy, homeless guy with self-made tattoos and a party van. He starts living with this kid, his dad, and a grandmother. It's all indie and dramatic, but JGL is goddamned hilarious. He has sexual metaphors for everyone's problems, be it a foursome he once had, or losing a testicle. I laughed a lot.
To me, he was kind of comparable to Jesus Christ. He comes in, solves problems, changes everyone, and he's pretty much a hairy homeless man. With sex appeal. He nails (much like Jesus got nailed) Natalie Portman and disappears without a trace. I'd recommend it.
I just found my old Xanga, from when I was 16. My last post was all emotional and depressed and suicidal. Most of those posts were. One was happy, because I had transferred to my favorite high school again, but it quickly turned back to me being depressed. I was such a loser back then. Very inwardly angry, hateful, depressed. I have to admit, I was a lot more eloquent a writer back then. Grammar mistakes here and there, but that happens to everyone.
That blog was made before I met a few friends who weren't condescending to me. They didn't treat me like they were just being nice, like my previous friends had. This was apparently very important to a body-haired sixteen year old who liked Warrant a lot. Shit. Warrant. That band got me through some stuff.
I started hanging out with these new friends, became more hardened, more cynical, and most importantly- hilarious. My God. I was funny back then, but my seductiveness of humor never ceases to amaze me now. I made a few people laugh now and then, but today I can strike up a conversation with a complete stranger and make his day. God damn me.
A difference, as you can plainly see, is my self-confidence. Sure, I still have issues. But everyone has a few issues with himself or herself. I used to think myself dirt. I hated everything I said or did. I regretted every action and everyday I wanted to kill myself. I tried. Lame attempts like drinking stuff under the sink, putting a fork into the electric socket. Stuff I'd seen on cartoons and TV, that I thought would actually hurt. Nope. But the intent to die was there. They were calls for help that no one answered.
I'm glad I've changed. I've come out of the worst of my depression a decent guy. I'm still getting on my feet, but I don't go to bed every night hoping not to wake up. I don't go on walks hoping to be killed by some psycho. I go now for time to think and listen to music. Hell, I don't want anyone to hurt me out there. I carry a knife in my boot as a matter of fact. I want to live, I want to better myself, and most of all I want to see if Molly Ringwald does something else worthwhile. Fuck you, she's still my favorite almost three years later.
I'm glad I have Jess right now. I didn't give two damns about my old girlfriends compared to her. I feel really powerful inside, like I can actually accomplish goals right now. Sure, I do the same thing I did before Jess, but at least the feeling's there, which is more than I can say for the last several years. I'd actually punch my 16 year old self if I could, and tell him to get the fuck off the couch. But then maybe I wouldn't be who I am now, someone I actually think I'm fond of. For the first time ever, I am not self-loathing, suicidal, or hating everyone. Well, I hate most people. That feeling won't go away as long as Jersey Shore is on the air.
So, thank you, Jessica.
